Serving Barnwell County and it's neighbors since 1852
Did you know that Christopher Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic? And that his ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe?
No, I didn’t know that either. But that’s what a student wrote in an essay, said linguist Richard Lederer, who collected a passel of bloopers from students’ homework and published them years ago in Verbatim, The Language Quarterly. I came across that hilarious piece in my files the other day and decided to share excerpts. Keep in mind that the students ranged from eighth grade through college level.
The expert on Christopher Columbus said the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, a trip known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with the cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars, a student wrote, was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy and he was born in a Log Cabin that he built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was President, he wore a silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emansculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invited electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy.” Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
And then there was this from a young Bible scholar: God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma, and Soloman, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
