Serving Barnwell County and it's neighbors since 1852
Okay, this is one that I need to get off my chest, and some of you will not like it. Columns are fickle things, and Mind Matters is no different. Sometimes my biweekly pieces write themselves, full of light and happiness and positivity. Sometimes they are dark and sad, full of grief and loss. Sometimes they are instructive, exploring new subjects. And sometimes, well, sometimes they just tell me that I need to write it like I see it. And remember when I told you in the past that one usually teaches (and writes) what one needs to learn (and hear) themselves. I’m right here with you.
In my business, I hear all sort of stories and complaints and litanies about wrongs and traumas and difficulties experienced. In forty years, I have literally heard it all. That is what makes me love my job in mental health so much. I love stories. I love to hear people talk about how they have weathered the storms, beat the odds, and fought back with astonishing resiliency when all seems lost. I hear lots of those stories, and I am buoyed and inspired by them.
There is a dark side to the stories that I have been hearing in the last few years, though, even before the scourge of COVID-19. Many of us seem to be drifting further and further away from personal responsibility. What do I mean by that term? Personal responsibility is when you understand that no matter what happens externally in your life, in the world, or what comes at you from other people, that you are the only one that can control how you view it, how you take it, and how you respond to it. That’s it.
There is a lot of anger, angst and misery in the world at large right now. I don’t need to detail the countless reports of war, famine, atrocities, murder, torture, climate catastrophe and political foolishness that fill our newspapers, magazines, blogposts, newsfeeds and video news outlets every single day. On top of that, many of us are undereducated, unemployed, come from or live in dysfunctional families, and have been traumatized emotionally, physically or sexually. I do not want to discount ANY of these external circumstances or situations, because they are all too real and hurtful to many of the folks that I see every day.
However, I do see many people resigning themselves to victimhood, feeling powerless over any aspect of their lives, feeling that something or someone will come to save them. Not even will, but must come to save them. Remember my definition of personal responsibility above? Although it can be extremely daunting and difficult, you are the only person who can control how you view these things, how you take them in (or not) and how you choose to respond to them. This is the crux of many therapies that we employ in mental health. We try our best to empower you to be the author of your own story, influenced by but not controlled by the world and others in it.
What can you do to be more personally responsible? First, own your own mistakes. That is not to say that others have not hurt you or fooled you or used you, but you are the only one that can acknowledge your part in the whole scenario, see what you can take responsibility for, jettison the rest of it, and move forward with your life. I had a patient describe this very act to me today, and it was profound to see how much different she felt when she realized that not everything had been her fault, but that she could make peace with the part she did play in a relationship, forgive herself, and move on.
Next, accept some accountability for the things that you may not have done well, but also the things that you have done superbly! I see so many people who finally are able to forgive themselves for transgressions, but who never give themselves credit or bask in the warmth of their own successes. Both are important! You absolutely deserve to claim the things that you are good at, the goals that you’ve met, the skills you’ve developed and the victories you’ve achieved. Own them!
Lastly, move forward in a way that builds your character. Don’t wait to be rescued. Don’t wait for someone or something to come and save you. Remember Ronald Reagan’s nine scariest words? “I’m from the government and I’m here to help!” Make a plan, carry it out and reap the rewards of your hard work. If you don’t succeed the first time, refer to the preceding two paragraphs.
I will leave you with a quote that I found on James Clear’s The 3-2-1 Newsletter that I believe sums this up quite well.
“Life is harder when you expect a lot of the world and little of yourself.
Life is easier when you expect a lot of yourself and little of the world.
High standards, low expectations.”
Happy holidays all!
